The Working Moms Doing it All – A Myth or Reality?

I often say that no one does it all, but my recent realization is that there are, in fact, many women in today’s day and age who do! They take on a lot. Sure, these women drop some balls from time to time. They fail at things here and there. They have unfulfilled goals that they quit halfway. But despite the challenges they face, they continue to strive and engage in a wide range of activities that they find fulfilling.

I few of my Instagram followers shared the following post with me and I thought it was very true!

I can think of a number of mom bloggers (especially Canadian!) who are doing a lot. I’m gonna take the liberty of adding myself to the same category but you can feel free to disagree lol

Besides the women I meet online and relate to, I am so lucky to have non-blogger mom friends who inspire me a lot. Or should I say “influence” me offline? Between them, they are doing a whole range of things – raising kids, professional lives, dealing with health challenges, creating businesses, speaking at events, taking part in political campaigns. Some of them even play sports and volunteer with local charities – things I would like to do but haven’t been able to. So yes, these women are doing a lot and it’s not even posted online for anyone to see.

We are the women that have no chill lol! We really stretch ourselves. We were most likely also the young girls who were doing a lot during school – academics, extracurriculars, and even working part-time jobs. And we seem to continue our juggling act in every stage of life.

Most of us will not entirely disagree with the feeling of “drowning”. It is no easy feat to manage both – the personal (kids, spouse, home, health, other family and social commitments) AND the professional side of life (traditional 9-5 jobs, social media, side hustles and so on). It’s quite impossible to do everything really well. But they still do it and I think it’s worth understanding why.

Why do they do it to themselves?

I’m totally speaking from my own limited observations & so take from this what you will. In my humble opinion, it is personality type born out of a certain combination of nature and nuture. And the interesting thing is – the very characteristics that make us strong also become the reason why we struggle.

One common factor I can see is that these women are daughters of immigrants (and this is where the Canadian factor is obvious). We are the kids whose parents moved far away from their families back home and left their entire lives behind. They spent a lot of time and energy understanding and adjusting to a new environment. Meanwhile, we were thrown into a new system but lucky enough to be exposed to it at a fairly young age. Many would agree that this automatically came with a huge burden of expectations too. In most immigrant families, the parents didn’t do too well for themselves but hoped that the kids will grow up and reach their full potential. We pursued higher education, explored our interests and discovered our strengths. Throughout this time, our parents totally cheered us on.

We also dealt first hand with cultural and religious differences throughout the challenging years of teenage and young adolescence. That is a whole separate story of its own that our parents don’t even fully understand, but it shaped us in a lot of ways too. From a young age, we were often explaining ourselves to our parents and peers. We had to make decisions on what we can and cannot participate in. We could never just easily blend in with the majority around us.

I think the unique challenges that children of immigrants faced along with the environment they grew up in made them capable of learning, adapting to change, and just handling a lot in general. They genuinely want to pursue their interests and reach their full potential. They are equipped with the tools to make things happen and they kind of feel unstoppable.

I can relate to the this feeling. And as I alluded to earlier, it is one that feels empowering and draining at the same time.

Empowerment or Strain?

It is empowering because we have been shown “the way.” The way to financial independence, to creative expression, to explore the world through travel, to live a life that does not revolve around household matters and chores. I think most would agree that it’s more exciting.

However, it’s also draining because life in the West doesn’t exactly match up to that of a Muslim Desi/Arab daughter of immigrants. Even though we have the same level of education and skills as our peers, our financial state of affairs is remarkably different from that of well-settled second, third and fourth generations. Being a part of the Western culture, we aspire for the same things as them, but we don’t have their level of stability. This part translates to working more and having side hustles, unless we choose to live a very modest life and don’t think too far into the future.

Socially, we can’t easily blend in and have to make extra efforts in various aspects of life. For example, career networking events involving alcohol are not the most comfortable for us. We can’t always make the best connections with Management in the workforce due to our vastly different backgrounds. During Ramadan, we are not cut any slack at work (as is the case in Muslim majority countries) and have to meet deadlines like everyone else. For our wardrobe, we struggle to find modest pieces. For our cousins’ wedding, we have to buy at least 3 hella expensive desi outfits (had to add this one for fun lol!) We may also have to spend more on supporting our parents or relatives who didn’t have the financial means to build good retirement plans and provide for themselves in old age.

Basically, the blended Eastern and Western lifestyle is not easy, especially not for the first generation of immigrants.

Life with a Family

Now this gets more interesting after having a family. Unfortunately, many of us grew up with traditional gender roles so we constantly question our choices. While that’s not a bad thing, it’s just very unsettling. It’s like we dived head-on into the workforce but with strings attached. We couldn’t really leave behind the notions of what a wife and mom ought to doing at home. Giving up our hobbies and interests doesn’t feel good because we derive a lot of joy from that. We know what we’re missing out on by giving them up. Still, the cultural conditioning in our subconscious is huge as we have seen a certain modelled behaviour about the role of a woman for years and years.

There are very few husbands out there who really, truly do a good job of sharing the chores and the mental burden of running a household 50-50. It’s not about playing victims as wives but about seeing the reality of the situation. Many boys simply didn’t see their fathers working around the house too much. It was the norm for fathers to go out to work and for the mothers to take care of everything related to home. For people back home, there was often a maid or helper as well, which left no reason for the bread-winner of the family to come home and do the dishes after dinner.

The guys really lucked out because women today are able to take a fair bit of financial burden off of their shoulders. Sadly, women got the shorter end of the stick because men really did not step up to help them. The economic and social scene changed drastically and shook the long-standing order of business. However, it is women that are stretching themselves to take up all the missing space. They are wearing multiple hats. Even when men do help, most women will tell you that they do the bare minimum and/or don’t take initiative. The burden of household chores and responsibilities as well as smart delegation is all on their shoulders.

Some of it is cultural but I think most of it is simply biological too. It all starts with pregnancy. A mother is physically more connected to a child than a father is. She literally has various hormones changing her body in various ways, taking her through stages of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and what not. Becoming a parent is a huge physical and emotional shift for her and she is already better at it than her husband due to the physical affiliation with the process. From birth onwards, a stay-at-home mom watches the child all day while cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and all that good stuff. For the modern woman, add maternity leave to the mix. During this time, the mom easily gains more parenting experience than the father too. She gets the child’s cues, quirks, likes and dislikes. She understands the meaning of different screams and cries. She’s learning it all and getting better at it compared to her husband. All through this time, she has taken a break from her career. Most women I know don’t mind it, but it is a bitter reality that staying out of touch with what’s happening in their field affects their career progression and learning too. The gaps on the resume do affect them as they fall behind their counterparts.

Doubts & Decisions

So in this stage of life is when working women first start to have doubts about going back to work and pursuing their interests. On the one hand, they have a child that they love so dearly and who requires their full-time attention. On the other hand are the dreams and aspirations she worked so hard for. For years she trained for a particular lifestyle, but nature has brought her at a crossroad that she did not forsee. Meanwhile the husband is not having any of these thoughts or feelings, nor is he affected in the workplace the same way. Some people call this the downside of the “feminist” movement. They say it turned women into working robots and pulled them away from their natural calling.

Whatever it is – we know that each mom makes a choice at this stage. She goes back to work or stays at home. So much of it depends on her financial situation, her goals for maintaining a certain standard of living, how she wants to raise her children, and the evolution of her self-identity (or a lack there-of). Some go back to work because they feel they are better moms when they continue to engage in their hobbies and careers. They don’t want a complete re-branding of themselves lol. Other women love their role as a mother and feel that they want to focus on it. It’s a spectrum and where someone falls on it depends on what their understanding is of a “good upbringing” as well as what brings them fulfillment. It all depends on a multitude of factors.

I say – to each their own. Let people do what they want. We don’t need anyone to end up being an old lady full of resentment one day lol

Can we stop the Drowning?

I think that working moms like myself go through cycles of productivity and burn out. Cycles of enjoying and loving what we do and times where we wonder what the heck we’re doing and why. We tend to do a lot all at once, then feel the need to take a break (intentionally or unintentionally). Some women go on solo trips away from their kids, content creators take social media breaks, businesswomen hold back on their plans for expansion and so forth. There is also some reshuffling of priorities when life throws its curveballs, when kids age, or when matters of health disrupt life. Nothing ever remains constant.

How I Manage

On a personal note, here is what I do: I accept that what I’m doing is a lot for me. But I love it all too much to fully give up any of it! 😂 I don’t judge myself for burning out when I do. I expect the slump, let the phase pass, recharge and then go back to doing the things I like. It’s not the most consistent way of living, but what exactly is consistent in life anyway?

I have set up certain systems to help make my life a little easier – meal planning, using meal delivery services, hiring help to get detailed cleaning done every couple of weeks, and of course daycare / after-school / summer camps etc. My husband is very supportive and helps a lot. However, like most women, I carry more of the mental workload of running a house and without dedicated hired help, I do end up with a lot on my plate.

For me, work-life-balance is a long-term idea. On a daily basis, you are always missing one thing or another. I don’t feel bad when I have an important work deadline to meet and don’t cook for a whole week as a result. I don’t feel bad if I am not progressing in my career as fast as some of my colleagues are because I am not taking on extra projects that will take me to the next position. I don’t feel bad if my kids aren’t doing after-school activities every season. In the long-run, if I am touching everything I need to and want to, if I’m giving my kids a variety of experiences, that is a win.

My Instagram and my business are examples. Right now they are not at all where I’d like them to be. Over the past 3 years, I’ve barely posted content. I was dealing with the covid madness, working-from-home along with kids, feeling intense grief due to deaths of close family members, pregnancy and new baby AND dealing with my mom’s declining health. I’ve often gone missing from Instagram for weeks. Even when I’m here I do 2 posts a month on average, if at all. That basically translates to “having fun with insta but not taking it seriously.” 😅 And hey – I’m fine with it! I have two other full time jobs (being a mom is one of them). When I had just one kid and a simpler life, I posted a lot more often. Now with 3 kids, it’s just not my priority. I love my Instagram community. I love having it there as a creative outlet. But I don’t set strict goals for it.

Like many others, I will continue to do whatever I find creatively fulfilling and intellectually stimulating. I have the ability to make choices and shuffle my priorities. I can’t have everything. But what I can have is a life where I utilized my skills and explored the avenues that peaked my curiosity. I am aware of my responsibilities, as well as my restrictions and constraints. But wherever I find some flexibility, I happily stretch myself to do the things I love.